I was just talking with one of the leaders I work with in ministry, and I am honoured that he was willing to share transparently with me how much he was offended by some slight he faced in his own church, as well as how frustrated he was with himself at being stumbled by such a small matter.
Then he said "You know, JJ, I'm so impressed at how much you've grown. I heard in the past that you…" and brought up an incident, from a few years ago, when I was unfairly attacked and accused of wrongdoing and my reputation was damaged. Now that was a big matter to me, in fact after all these years the hurt remains quite fresh because I never got the chance to defend myself in this. So I was tempted to set the record straight by telling this leader EVERYTHING.
Then he said "You know, JJ, I'm so impressed at how much you've grown. I heard in the past that you…" and brought up an incident, from a few years ago, when I was unfairly attacked and accused of wrongdoing and my reputation was damaged. Now that was a big matter to me, in fact after all these years the hurt remains quite fresh because I never got the chance to defend myself in this. So I was tempted to set the record straight by telling this leader EVERYTHING.
If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man's confidence, or he who hears it may shame you and you will never lose your bad reputation. (Pro 25:9-10, NIV)
The problem is, telling that leader everything meant betraying someone else's confidence. The above passage in Proverbs says that it will not restore my reputation, in fact, it will damage it even further. So there really wasn't anything else I can do other than swallow the pain of the original insult and pain, and pray again that God will give me fresh grace to walk in forgiveness.
Walking in Forgiveness
Not as easy as we want it to be, right?
Ask a passerby on the street what he or she considers to be the teachings of Christianity. Almost all of them will say "forgive your enemies". And rightly so, even when Jesus was teaching us how to pray, he told us to forgive others as we pray that God forgive us our sins (Mat 6:12).
It may be basic, but that does not make it easy to do. We may find ourselves forgiving others of small matters but struggling to forgive them of big transgressions (like in my case). Or we may be able to walk in forgiveness over big matters but suddenly find ourselves stumbled over a small detail (like in my leader's case). And we cannot understand why.
What happens when we find it difficult to forgive? There are three things we can do.
1) Lie to ourselves. Tell ourselves that we have forgiven when we haven't. Try to just forget the matter, and think that the fact that we can forget an offence means that we have forgiven the culprits.
Problem: this doesn't work. Unless we can effectively walk in forgiveness, the hurt within us is like a poison slowly seeping into our spirits. Pretending that it isn't there does not help. People who try this may end up with depression, tension, migraine headaches or come down with chronic anger syndrome, when any little thing can cause them to blow up and lose their temper.
Walking in Forgiveness
Not as easy as we want it to be, right?
Ask a passerby on the street what he or she considers to be the teachings of Christianity. Almost all of them will say "forgive your enemies". And rightly so, even when Jesus was teaching us how to pray, he told us to forgive others as we pray that God forgive us our sins (Mat 6:12).
It may be basic, but that does not make it easy to do. We may find ourselves forgiving others of small matters but struggling to forgive them of big transgressions (like in my case). Or we may be able to walk in forgiveness over big matters but suddenly find ourselves stumbled over a small detail (like in my leader's case). And we cannot understand why.
What happens when we find it difficult to forgive? There are three things we can do.
1) Lie to ourselves. Tell ourselves that we have forgiven when we haven't. Try to just forget the matter, and think that the fact that we can forget an offence means that we have forgiven the culprits.
Problem: this doesn't work. Unless we can effectively walk in forgiveness, the hurt within us is like a poison slowly seeping into our spirits. Pretending that it isn't there does not help. People who try this may end up with depression, tension, migraine headaches or come down with chronic anger syndrome, when any little thing can cause them to blow up and lose their temper.
2) Give up. Say that the Christian walk is too difficult, unrealistic and that God is unreasonable in expecting so much from us.
Problem: this is like saying that because we can't perform a surgical operation on ourselves, we don't let the doctor do it for us. The Christian walk is never meant to be attempted by our own strength and willpower alone. If we were that capable, why would Christ have to die for us on the cross in the first place?
3) Seek God again and again. Pray to God every time the hurt resurfaces, and tell him you need the power of his Holy Spirit to help you obey his command to forgive.
Problem: this way requires humility. Every time we tell God that we cannot make it by ourselves and need him to help us again, we are crucifying our pride and self-sufficiency again and again. Unless you are dead to yourself and alive to God in Christ Jesus, that's painful!
After more than 25 years as a believer I have a certain level of pride over how well I can manage the Christian walk. Seeking God over a past hurt requires me to face up to the fact that I am still not that perfect, even after 25 years. I have to admit to God (and now to you) that I still need to work on the basics of the Christian walk.
The only harder than walking in forgiveness…
… is living in un-forgiveness. Walking in forgiveness is like taking out a knife that someone has stabbed into your back. Many believers who want instant gratification think that the pain should go away immediately, but if the offence is serious enough life doesn't work like that.
But if you do NOT forgive, it's like keeping the knife there and pushing it even further to make the wound worse. If you pretend the knife is not there, you will eventually bleed to death. If you push the knife in further, you'll bleed even faster.
Gory images that are very disgusting, I know. But that is how God sees us when we do not forgive. He knows that when we don't forgive we are hurting ourselves the most. It disgusts him to see us doing that. And it pains his heart, because he wants to heal our hearts and bind up our wounds (Psa 147:3). But we've got to take out the knife first.
So now, my plan is…
… to meditate on God's forgiveness.
Problem: this is like saying that because we can't perform a surgical operation on ourselves, we don't let the doctor do it for us. The Christian walk is never meant to be attempted by our own strength and willpower alone. If we were that capable, why would Christ have to die for us on the cross in the first place?
3) Seek God again and again. Pray to God every time the hurt resurfaces, and tell him you need the power of his Holy Spirit to help you obey his command to forgive.
Problem: this way requires humility. Every time we tell God that we cannot make it by ourselves and need him to help us again, we are crucifying our pride and self-sufficiency again and again. Unless you are dead to yourself and alive to God in Christ Jesus, that's painful!
After more than 25 years as a believer I have a certain level of pride over how well I can manage the Christian walk. Seeking God over a past hurt requires me to face up to the fact that I am still not that perfect, even after 25 years. I have to admit to God (and now to you) that I still need to work on the basics of the Christian walk.
The only harder than walking in forgiveness…
… is living in un-forgiveness. Walking in forgiveness is like taking out a knife that someone has stabbed into your back. Many believers who want instant gratification think that the pain should go away immediately, but if the offence is serious enough life doesn't work like that.
But if you do NOT forgive, it's like keeping the knife there and pushing it even further to make the wound worse. If you pretend the knife is not there, you will eventually bleed to death. If you push the knife in further, you'll bleed even faster.
Gory images that are very disgusting, I know. But that is how God sees us when we do not forgive. He knows that when we don't forgive we are hurting ourselves the most. It disgusts him to see us doing that. And it pains his heart, because he wants to heal our hearts and bind up our wounds (Psa 147:3). But we've got to take out the knife first.
So now, my plan is…
… to meditate on God's forgiveness.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph 4:32, NIV)
That passage from Ephesians strongly suggests to me that the more I consider God's forgiveness of MY sins and wrongs, the more I can extend his forgiveness to other people, especially those who have wronged me deeply.
This post is different, isn't it? Usually I am boldly declaring the way to deal with a problem or get the result. But this time, because it is something that I am still seriously struggling with, I cannot do that with authority. In this matter all I CAN do is share my plan for getting out of it. Maybe it's something you may want to try also, if you have problems forgiving other people.
That's all for this time. More stuff coming up soon!
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