God, I Am Tired

(personal blog post)

Nearly the end of June now. School has resumed, and that means going back to the usual waking-up by 0600 hours ("It's a great time... if you're a chicken!" - Robin Williams) to get Jess to school, and after that struggle to stay away long enough for the day's panic and urgency to kick in. Then I get on with the rest of the day.

One thing about the school days, because they are quite packed, I don't realize how tired I am. But once I get that little bit more breathing space, the fatigue hits me with a vengence. And that's when I experience the 30-fold, 60-fold or 100-fold harvest, but not in the area I want!

(*blink* "where was I? Ah yes...")

Personal confession: do you know the one commandment I have been breaking shamelessly for the past 5-6 years?

Exodus 20:8-11 (NIV) - “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy."

The problem is, there is no such thing as breaking God's commandments and not paying for it. Even the command to let the land rest every 7 years (Lev 25:4) came with a punishment for disobedience. Disobey, and God will exile his people from that land, so that the land may enjoy its Sabbaths (Lev 26:31-35).

I know it makes me look like a slow learner (OK, maybe I am), but this year I started getting the nagging feeling that I cannot continue to abuse my body like this and expect to get away with it. So I started with trying to have one afternoon off each week.

It was tough. Why? Because I found significance and meaning in my hustle and rush. When I made myself slow down, it was as if all my self-discipline just went out the window. All the things I planned to do during my rest time (read my Bible more, practice piano or even just sleep) didn't happen. I found myself staring off into space blankly those afternoons that I DID keep free from work.

It's like those busy mothers who fall sick during public holidays and crash out on the bed for the whole day. Some of them get horrendous migraine headaches the one day they have less work to do. They were sick all that while, but it was only at that moment that they had the time to really feel it. And if they don't rest properly but try to bury the pain with even more work...

During the school holidays, I had more free time than usual, since I had less teaching. And I found myself mentally hanging (going blank) even more than usual. The good thing was that I got a bit more sleep than usual, since I didn't have to wake up that early to get Jess to school. The bad thing was that I felt so guilty over how little other work I got done during that time.

Persevere, JJ, persevere...

Other than my struggles with the discipline of rest, the rest of this month was good. I got to play accompaniment for a student's singing exam, I got to bring my sons for a movie (Kung Fu Panda 2), and I got to spend a bit more time doodling on the piano. I didn't do as much of my own writing as I wanted, because I found it hard to gather my thoughts coherently. But that is even more evidence that I am in dire need of rest. So I should just take it in my stride, right?

Now that school has resumed, however, I'll need to guard my time and my mind carefully to keep myself commited to the discipline of rest. Part of me thinks "just half a day? You call that obedience?" and another part of me is going "are you being responsible to give up that afternoon? Do you know how much income you are missing by giving up that time?"

When I find myself torn in two directions like this, I go back to this passage of Scripture:

1 John 3:19-20 - This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Maybe this will help you too, if you ever find your conscience condemning you whatever you decide. Just remember that our hearts can sometimes judge us more harshly than God does. But ultimately, how God sees us is the most important. And knowing that ought to set our hearts at rest.

OK, that's it for now. Got to get back to the stuff that needs to be done. Be blessed!

Mind Your Own Vineyard

My mother's sons were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept. (Song of Songs 1:6, NKJV)

It was the last stretch of the worship workshop. The various worship bands had gone through their band training sessions and were now about to show us what they learned and understood about playing for worship. I was on an edge, repeatedly asking God "Father, I may not see these worship musicians again. What do you want me to say to them that will continue to serve them even if I am not here?" Then the SMS came.

My friend of more than 12 years, a sister-in-Christ and gifted musician, had just succumbed to cancer. Not even 30, she discovered that she had cancer only recently, and within a year her body gave up the fight and she left to be with the LORD.

I found out about her condition only weeks ago, and so it too late for me to provide her with information that could have influenced her decision and choice of treatment. But during my visits we shared about what happened during the years we didn't keep in touch, and if I was to sum up what caused her body to break down and fall prey to cancer, it would be this:

She did not choose to be good to herself. She was watching out for the interests of others but did not watch out for her own interests. To use the picture given in Scripture, she kept her brothers' vineyards but did not mind her own.

"Breast cancer has been well studied, and out of all this research, a very clear breast cancer personality has emerged. She is the woman who can give to everyone else, but cannot, or is not allowed to, receive." Lee, J.R., & Hopkins, V. (1999) What Your Doctor may NOT Tell You about Premenopause. New York: Warner Books 1999 (pg 226)
For the record, my friend did NOT fall prey to breast cancer, but instead to two others (yup, it was THAT bad…) I included that quote above to show the very clear link between a woman's emotional health and serious illnesses such as cancer.

Those of you who have heard me rant and rave about health issues know that I am not one of those simplistic people who reduce serious health matters to clichés and soundbites. I am very aware of practical causes of health problems, causes a lot more tangible than just saying "Watch out for your emotional health, be careful of the condition of your heart", what women in some churches get.

For example:
1) Talc, what most parents generously and liberally apply on the bottoms of their little babies, is a known cause of ovarian cancer. Out of sheer disgust, I have chosen not to use talc for my two sons, even though there's absolutely no chance on this earth they'd get ovarian cancer… (http://www.preventcancer.com/consumers/cosmetics/talc.htm)

2) Fluoride has been known for a long time to be linked to osteoscarcoma (bone cancer). It's very ironic that this was acknowledged by a local doctor who regularly writes for the Straits Times, and he used it as a reason for people to not consume green tea for health purposes (Green tea is supposed to have considerable levels of fluoride). As for people being exposed to fluoride through toothpaste and drinking water, however, all we have gotten from this prolific and respected local doctor is a very loud silence…. ( http://www.fluoridealert.org/health/cancer)

3) When it comes to breast cancer, local magazines regularly advocate the use of mammograms and an anti-estrogenic drug called Tamoxifen. I cannot understand the logic of mammograms, since radiation is a widely recognized cause of cancer in general, promoting mammograms is to me like advocating the use of cigarette smoking to detect lung cancer. (http://www.preventcancer.com/patients/mammography/dangers.htm)

And as for Tamoxifen itself, I have another quote from the same book I quoted earlier "Tamoxifen… is listed by the World Health Organization as a cancer causing drug… Other side effects include a tripling of the risk of potentially fatal blood clots to the lung and increased risk of stroke, blindness and liver dysfunction. In fact, it has never been shown that Tamoxifen reduced the mortality rate of women using it, regardless of its "protection" against breast cancer." Lee, J.R., & Hopkins, V. (1999) What Your Doctor may NOT Tell You about Premenopause. New York: Warner Books 1999 (pg 226)

But yet I'd say issues still largely boil down to a woman's emotional health, because a woman with poor self-esteem, who does not truly treasure herself, can know all these practical matters but yet not take appropriate action on them. For example, she can know that mammograms and Tamoxifen are bad for her and yet let herself be persuaded by peer pressure. If she does not know that she is accountable to God for her body, she may allow doctors to make the final decisions for her body when she should be making such decisions herself.

And here's what I would say is the key to restoring a woman's self-esteem and emotional health. Rest.

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. (Exodus 20:8-10, NKJV)

Yes, I know that the ultimate fulfillment of this command is the rest we receive when we accept the salvation given us in Christ (Hebrews 4:9-10). But the spiritual fulfillment does NOT invalidate the natural application of this command. If it did, we can also say that since the command "A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" applies to Christ and his Church, the command no longer applies to us in the natural realm. Which is, of course, ludicrous. (Ephesians 5:31-33)

If you are a woman, schedule out regular rest periods for yourself in which you do no work. If you are a man, make opportunities for the primary woman in your life (either your wife or your mother, if you are unmarried) to have periods of rest. These moments in which you (male or female) do not work give you the space to get in tune with yourself, look at the God who has ordained rest for our benefit, not his (Mark 2:27) and realize that we are of great value, even over and above the work we do and how well we perform.

And if you are a husband, here's something else for you to do. Study the whole Song of Songs. And just for a while leave out the religious thinking from people who try to reduce this book of the Bible into a mere spiritual allegory. Take it as a book depicting the romance between a real man and a real woman. Study the journey of the woman, how she grows from an emotionally weak and depleted woman in chapter 1 to the powerful, confident woman of chapter 8 and take note of how the growth happens and how the man helped bring it about.

It's not for me to share what I learned from this book of the Bible, the timing isn't right yet. But guys, read it yourself and expect that God will teach you powerful truths from it that will astound and inspire you.

Prayer time: It's funny that I should finish this email on a day that I am feeling sick. This tells you very clearly how much I've neglected my own rest. Do pray for me that I can recover from the guilt and grief over my friend's death. Because of my busy-ness I had to just shut up the pain and carry on with life, which is never a good thing to do.

And I'm going to lead worship for Acts Centre on Easter, working with musicians I don't really know. To me, leading Easter worship is a great honour, and I am very excited over it. Pray for me that I will have the wisdom to serve the musicians and the whole church well. Thanks.

Be blessed, everyone!